October 1, 2004

• Is it any wonder that two of my favorite words (I have many) are “aplomb” (confidence and poise, especially in challenging circumstances) and “apoplexy” (a fit of anger) considering that I generally vacillate regularly between the two on a daily, sometimes hourly basis? In fact, I usually start with one (either will do), then depending on the flow and number of witnesses, transition into the other. Here’s a common example that can “Kerry” either way (new verb usage for flip-flop, thank you very much). Kim, mother of three, attempting to get all of her various-aged monkeys into their various models of car seats in the back seat of her Volvo in a timely fashion (read: NOW!WE’REFUCKINGLATEAGAIN!) Take One, Begin with Aplomb (the neighbors are watching):

  Me: Okay! Everyone in, don’t want to be late!
  Eldest: I forgot my pony.
  Me: She’ll be waiting when we get home.
  Middle: I forgot my pony.
  Me: Silly boy, you don’t have a pony (kiss kiss buckle)
  Baby: Pony Pony (squirm)
  Me: Come here, you little monkey (tickle buckle)
  (close doors, lock doors, transitioning to apoplexy)
  Me: Damnit we’re late again. Eldest, buckle your little monkey brother! Hurry! Or your pony gets it! (Revving engine as threat.)

  Take Two, Begin with Apoplexy (aint nobody here but us chickens)

  Me: Ack! We’re late! Get in the car!
  Middle: I don’t have shoes
  Me: You don’t need shoes – I’m not letting you out ever again!
  Eldest: I forgot my pony!
  Me: Pony schmony let’s GO!
  Baby: Mommy poopy
  Me: NOT NOW!!!!!
  (leaving house notice neighbors walking dog, transition to aplomb)
  Me: Now-ow-ow (singing) not now-ow-ow, don’t leave me…oh, good morning!

  kim

  • 1:43 pm
  • 3 Comments