February 15, 2006

• MARITAL DISCLAIMER or NOW THAT YOU BOUGHT THE COW CAN WE BE VEGETARIANS? I was listening to my usual news radio station yesterday and heard the following disclaimer that will fit nicely into my arsenal during “rocky relationship moments.” You know those moments, the ones when you’re engaged in aggressive and audibly enhanced dialogue with your partner and one or the other lets slip a reference to how the other “used to be.” Maybe it’s a comment about tidiness, energy level, instances of actual romance, libido or even just ‘being more fun.” I have now found the proper response to any such comment, real or implied. Here it is:

  “Past performance does not guarantee future results.”

  PASS ME A GREEN BEAN…NO REALLY – JUST ONE GREEN BEAN. So, another inspiration came to me from an unexpected source yesterday. I’d been hearing on the news about Saddam Hussein’s hunger strike and suddenly it hit me – I’m going to go on a hunger strike of my own. I haven’t decided on my exact demands yet, but my motives might be a little different that the usual strikers. And my methods. See, I’m not going to stop eating, I’m just going to eat a little less and therefore remain slightly “hungry.” Afterall, it’s not called a “starving strike.” Once I settle on the moral outrage that backs my hungry stance, I’ll have an obligation to stick to a plan of eating less, something I have yet to achieve without a mission statement.

  In other news, my family appears to be on a “carelessness and sloth strike.” Their demands are unclear, but I suspect they include cartoons and sugar.

  Kim

  • 3:18 pm
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