FREQUENTLY ASKED AND/OR SHOUTED QUESTIONS, ADMONISHMENTS, AND/OR ACCUSATIONS:  A TEENAGE PRIMER FOR PARENTS

“I didn’t ask to be born!”
You’re right.  You’re grandmother asked you to be born.  You should take this up with her.

“I wish I were never born!”
This would have caused major discomfort on the part of your mother.  A woman’s body is only capable of sustaining life internally for the first nine months.  Truly, it was time.

“Why are you treating me like a child?”
You are wearing a Dr. Seuss hat and shoes with over-sized toes.  I thought it was what you wanted. 

“Why don’t you trust me?”
Why don’t you trust me? (repeat ad-infinitum until one party gives in.)

“You’re not the boss of me!”
No, I’m not.  Stan Appleton is the boss of you, which reminds me, he called earlier and said your Thursday shift starts at 4:00 instead of 4:30.  Don’t be late and don’t wear the Dr. Seuss hat again.

“My life sucks!”
Well, yeah. 

“This is bullshit!”
This is actually pretty honest and straightforward.  Bullshit generally refers to lying or connivery.  Well…I guess the whole “why don’t you trust me” thing was kind of bullshit.  Maybe you got me there.

“I hate you!”
Hate is such a strong word.  Maybe you mean you strongly dislike the manner in which I…whoa! Hey! Pretty strong kid, now, aren’t ya?  Okay, hate it is, then.  Hey…I can’t see from inside this hat.  Hello?  Did you leave?  I still love you!

FREQUENTLY ASKED AND/OR SHOUTED QUESTIONS AND/OR ACCUSATIONS:  A DIVORCE PRIMER

“Do you still love me?”
Well, drawing on my fourth grade standard of “would I cry if you died?” I would have to say, yes. 

“Did you ever love me?”
Yes.  I would always have cried if you died, again, fourth grade talking here.

“Why are you treating me like a child?”
You are leaving me for the babysitter.  I thought it was what you wanted.

“Will you ever trust me again?”
No.

“You’re not the boss of me!”
No, I’m not.  My attorney, James Halfernen, is the boss of you, which reminds me, he called earlier and said the restraining order starts today at 4:00 instead of 4:30. 

“My life sucks!”
Ha ha ha ha!

“This is bullshit!”
You shouldn’t swear in front of the children.  Oops! That’s your girlfriend.

“I hate you!”
I hate you! (repeat ad infinitum until one party dies and the other cries.)

oxoxoxox
Kim (loves her teen and not getting a divorce)