February 11, 2006

• MOTIVATING CIRCUMSTANCES or PERFORMING THE FORMERLY UNEXAMINED TASK. My days are filled with mundane activities, repeated chores and lackluster errands. More often than not I’ll procrastinate as long as possible and then achieve enviable quantities of crap in record time (see me at the Bonneville Salt Flats for the bank-to-post-office-to-market-to school-pick-up land speed trials. I’ll be driving the Goldfish and cold french fry-modified Dodge Caravan). However, I have hit upoon a motivator that gets me through these soul-sucking tasks with some modicum of my sanity left in tact, if your definition of sanity includes role-play and imaginary camera crews and audiences. I have discovered that folding 61 (that’s an odd number, damnit) white socks will push me over the edge, but starring in my own DIY show, “Secrets of Fluffing and Folding” is almost entertaining. Simply pretend that you are an international expert at whatever is on your list today and proceed as if teaching a live and/or broadcast audience the tricks of your trade. This accomplishes two important goals: 1) the chores are completed, 2) you realize just exactly how much thought, experience and expertise you have culled after years (nee eons) of toilet scrubbing, dishwasher loading and dustball wrangling. This weekend you can see me live on my special show, “Redecorating the Disgusting and Awkwardly Shaped Bathroom, With Your Host, Kim.” Hmmm..the homeowner seems to have left us a real mess to wade through…

  Match the following quotes to the appropriate episode:

  QUOTES:

  “If the dirty sock comes to me inside out – it goes back to the wearer inside out. Better the one to dirty the object sticks his or her hand in the sullied object.”

  “The third strike offense will be dealt with by the disappearance of ALL the washcloths, for a period to be determined by the launderess.”

  “Clean the child’s room with an opaque contractor’s bag. The color, shape and muffled sound will be masked by the industrial appearance. Rocking ‘n Rolling Elmo passes for a wad of dirty diapers under veil of brown plastic. “

  “Fresh fruits and vegetables do not adhere to the interior of the produce bag – skip the smell test and dispense immediately.”

  “Knives go blade first, so unloading is not a risky endeavor. Other cutlery goes handle first so they don’t “spoon” during the cycles.”

  EPISODES:

  “Cleaning Out the Refrigerator: Use Your Five Senses (Sometimes Your Sixth)”

  “Mildewed Rags in the Corner of the Tub: Nag or Snag?”

  “Dishwasher Loading, From a Loaded Dishwasher”

  “The Souls of my Feet Are Permanently Imprinted With Lego Marks”

  “It’s Bad Enough I have to Sort Your Stinky Garments, Don’t Expect More”

  Well then. It’s off to step one: remove everything from the bathroom. Ugh. Let’s go to commercial.

  Kim

  • 2:32 pm
  • 1 Comment